They don’t let you smile in passport photos because they want you to look the same as if you were standing in line at customs for an hour

Removing ashtrays from cars didn't stop people from smoking. It just made them throw their butts out the window

Pools are reverse boats designed to keep land out

When you mistreat your children, they don't stop loving you, they stop loving themself.

One frustrating thing about getting older is younger people not getting your references, the upside is them assuming you came up with all those clever one-liners

People fear nonexistence after death, but they didn't fret over their nonexistence prior to life.

It’s fascinating how televisions went from being one of the most sought after luxury items to being one of the most reasonably affordable entertainment products you can buy nowadays

The man who has directly killed most humans in history is the man who sat in the B-29 bomber with the button to release the bomb over Hiroshima.

Tying down a load, slapping it, and saying 'That's not going anywhere' is done almost exclusively on traveling loads which will in fact be going somewhere

Provided a hose is nearby, it's better to step in dog poo barefoot than with shoes on.

Only one team can win any given year, so most pro-athletes get paid millions of dollars to lose.

Across the universe, wood infinitely more rare than gold